last night i had a dream that hudson left me, and i woke up hyperventillating and crying hysterically. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i was so scared. i just kept thinking of the thought of him shaking his head, and his hand leaving mine and that was enough to do it. i couldn't stop crying. or hyperventillating. i was legitimately frightened. then once i was in the mindset that he was going to leave me, i could picture nothing but his smile. nothing. and that was just... oh my god i started freaking out. and i didn't sleep the rest of the night/morning, because i was too scared. 

so then this morning i got up and texted him. it was the usual, hey, what's up, and then i was like: "please don't leave me." and i told him about the dream and about how freaked out i was. and then he said: "i can't ever see myself doing that. i'm so afraid you will." and then i realized... i couldn't promise him i wasn't going to. i refuse to ever promise anyone that ever again. because it's a lie. i'm afraid of myself when it comes to this. like, i love hudson. a lot. and i really enjoy being with him. and i don't WANT to leave him. but, eventually, i know i will. because that's just who i am. i mean, this week was three months, and that's usually my cut-off. *sigh* i just don't know. like, i honestly don't SEE a reason why i would leave him, and i'm not even sure i could find one. so if i did it, it would be without reason. which is even worse. i don't want to do it. ever. 

but that's what i think right NOW. who knows what i'll think a month, two months, three months in the future? will i want out? i can't see any reason why i ever would. but maybe, just maybe this time is different. but thinking that involves hope, something i deserted a long time ago when it comes to anything involving myself. but that's for another time. maybe later tonight, or tomorrow. maybe later tonight because i won't be able to post until late tomorrow. maybe in five-ten minutes. i don't know. but that's something i need to write about. 

anyway.