"well i mean if he doesn't want to be friends after all that then he's most likely not worth the time."

thank you joshua.

you're right.

Snow Day.

I'M SO FUCKING BORED.

So, I'm done with him. Completely. He's been deleted from my buddy list, and I blocked him from AIM. I'm blocking him on Facebook too. I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. I had a fight with him today, which ended pretty much like this:

Me: because we were so fucking close, i'm trying ot have a friendship with you. and you just keep pushing me away. if you don't want to be friends then just tell me dammit.
Him: I don't want to be your friend. Not now anyways.
Me: Okay. bye.

He also told me I was a hypoctire, and the last conversation we had that pissed me off was his way of proving this to me.

Me: If you don't want to do it, don't.
Him: Well you're not doing everything you want to do, so don't tell me to.
Me: whatever.
Him: Win.

Anyway. I'm done with him and his shit. I'm not talking to him anymore. He doesn't want to be my friend then I won't try. I don't know why I didn't do this before, there must've been some tiny sliver of me that thought that he actually cared about me. He obviously doesn't. If he did he'd show it, and not be such an ass to me. I don't ever want anything to do with him ever again. I refuse to let him ever cross my mind after this post. No more, no more. He's proven my point, that he doesn't give two shits whether I live or die. He said that it 'hurts his feelings' when I call him names. Lies. He just want's a reason to blame something on me. Whatever. Not worth my time.

Today?

Things have been really good lately. I'm a little stressed over school though, but it's not something I care too much about. I hung out with Joshua tonight, and we pretty much just sat there and hugged for three hours. He's warm. It's comforting. And lovely. I love him, I really do. I had crew today too, and everyone thought something was wrong. I was a tad bit annoyed, might have been the fucking cheerleaders... But anyway. I was just really focused, everyone thought something was wrong. Well there is something wrong, but I'd rather not discuss it. At all. It's something I'm trying to supress as much as possible, I do NOT want to remember it. Crew was good, last night I didn't get home until 12.30am. I went snowtubing with Steve :) it was a lot of fun, I had three energy drinks and a thing of Ice Cream (: We fell down a lot. But so I was really tired in addition to my annoyance, therefor, people thought something was wrong. My friends are so observant...

What am I?

I feel sad again. I don't know why. I'm just doubting myself, I guess. I don't feel like I'm worth anyone's time. I don't feel like they should be worrying about me, or even looking out for me. What am I to them? I don't know why people care about me. Why do they care? Why me? What did I do to deserve such AMAZING friends? Why do they love me like they do? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my friends more than anything. I really do. But I don't understand what they see in me. What good am I to them?
I'm insecure.
I'm insane.
I'm annoying.
I'm not focused.
I'm not dedicated.
I'm overly-emotional.
I'm underly-emotional.
I overreact.
I underreact.
I don't pay attention.
I'm not dedicated.
I don't care enough.
I care too much.
I'm unsure.
I doubt myself.
I'm not bright.
I rely too much on certain people.
I refuse to spill my guts out to people who can help me.
I spill my guts out to the wrong people.
I burden people with my problems.
I worry people.

I come with all of this and more...
Its a package deal. And all of these people choose to be friends with me. To be fair, a lot of them don't know a lot of this, they just see who I am on the surface, and I don't like faking, but it's necessary. I feel like im lying to everyone. I guess in a way, I am. I don't know.

Two Things.

Number One: Last Night

This I wrote last night, when I was crying myself to sleep, and I had a sudden realization, thanks to this lyric:

"WE COULD SIT AROUND AND CRY BUT, FRANKLY, YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT, ANYMORE."
-Mayday Parade.

-I've finally realized it's not much good fretting over him anymore. He's not worth my time. He's obviously moved on and is doing just fine without me. I guess-well I KNOW-I'm doing great, too. I have probably one of the sweetest most adorable guys ever. I'm doing quite well for someone like me. I've been stuck in teh past, holding on to hurtful memories... of him. HE didn't hur tme, but the relationship did. I'm so done crying over him, so finished thinking about him. Whatever it takes to forget him, I'm up for it. If I could, I'd erase those six months of my life. Because the memories hurt too much.
-He doesn't think about me like this, why should I be thinking about him at all? I am the one who had the control. I broke it off, I brought it back and had him in the palm of my hand. I guess I don't miss him, I miss having control of him.
-I have a great thing with Josh, and I refuse to ruin it. I love him, and would do almost anything for him. He'd do the same for me. I know it.

Number Two: New Semester

-Period One: Gym. Ugh. Hate.
-Period Two: Chem with Doc A. She's pretty cool, though it seems like there's going to be a lot of work in her class. She's kind of boring to listen to though, but all teachers are the first day.
-Period Three: ATP English with Kocur. Now he got me thinking:
--1. He said: "Good things happen to positive people."
--2. He said: "You are what you pretend to be, so be careful what you pretend to be, and how strong you pretend to be it."
--3. He asked us: "Do you consider yourself positive or negative?"
-I thought about it. And to number three I answered: "Both. I usually pretend to, or try to be positive around my friends and other people. But I'm very negative when I'm alone."
-I would like to try to be a positive person, and I pretend to be that all the time, so I guess eventaully it'll wear off onto my negative self, and I'll stop being so upset all the time. It's usually just at night.

-Period Four: Graphic Communications with Drav; oh my god he bored me to death. I'm not excited for 7 weeks of lectures either... BUT it's my only class with Josh, which is exciting :).

Thought Provokers.

"I love you because you're more of a trainwreck than me. You're a hott mess."
So I'm more of a mess than I realized. I'm pretty much just one giant disaster not even waiting to happen. I don't really think that I've hidden it that well anymore, because Abby told me last night I was not only a trainwreck, but a hott mess. Which I'm not doubting, or arguing with, and am also not offeneded. Because 'tis true, 'tis true. So either I'm coming off as more of a mess than I'd planned, or she just knows me really well. There are a lot of people like that, who know me really well, who know that I'm a mess. Like Josh, he knows. And a lot of my exes also.. *DIGRESSION*... But still I don't want to be a mess. Not only emotionally, but I have no coordination also. That's usually what people see me as being a mess, but I try to hide the rest. It doesn't always work so well, especially with my best friends. I hate that they worry about me. I know they do. Not all of them necesarily, but I know of some who do. I don't want to be worried about, I don't want people to think I'm not okay. Which, we all know I'm not, but I like to pretend to be. Lmao.
"You're like, the happiest person I know."
First off. HA. Second off, what the hell is this person thinking if I'M the happiest person they know? What kind of people do they know?! I don't understand why this person told me this. I was like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Honestly. I'm farther from happy than a lot of people. Well at least I was. And kind of still am. I'm a lot happier these days, though.

20 January 2009

So I got bored and decided to make a blog. Not that I think anyone will read it, or anyone will care, but it's nice to straighten out my thoughts... once in a while. I got the idea from Abby, she was checking the blogs when I slept over her house. But anyway. I'm really excited about the inauguration of Obama. I saw a guy with an "ARREST BUSH" sign in the background. Totally made my day. Wish I could've gone to Jeff's Inauguration Party, but I did so much this weekend I'm really not worried about it. ANYWAY. I don't really know what else to write, and I doubt I'll keep up with this for more than two weeks. Lmao. (: I'm so dedicated. :P
OH.
Watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrrvkPo7TZ4&eurl=http://failblog.org/&feature=player_embedded
HILARIOUS.