the picture that made me cry.

it was us. him and me.

it was him. the look on his face was hilarious. he looked happy. he had donuts. that made me laugh. he had his old hair. he looked like he was MINE. he looked like he used to. he was looking at me. as if frozen in time. as if to say "come back."

it was me. i looked, oh god, i looked like i would do anything for him at that very moment. i looked so happy. my eyes were closed. i was hugging him. i was so fucking happy. i was frozen in time. and i looked like i wanted to stay there forever.

and then.

"Btw, this is a really cute picture of you guys, even if those days are over."

Those days ARE over. forever. and i'll never get them back. ever. i miss them. but i don't, you know? it's hard to explain. i guess i can't really lie to myself anymore, i still have feelings for him. but it's the old him i like. not this new person he is. he looks different, he acts different, he's not mine anymore. that's a good thing, i guess.

i could put the picture on here.

but you guys are smart.

look on facebook.

it'll be easy to find.

things i wish i could say to people.

Dear lovely,

you're amazing. and perfect. in every way. you're such a great person. i love everythign about you. you make me feel amazing. you make me feel like i'm normal, like i'm not crazy, or insane, or self-destructive. you make me think something good about myself, sometimes. you'll never convince me of anything good about myself, though. keep trying though! i love it! you make me feel.. oh i don't even know how to describe it. i love you more than i've ever loved anyone else. you're absolutely perfect for me. we fit so well. we just do. and i'm sorry for hurting you. i don't ever want you to hurt. i want you to feel amazing all the time. i want you to see yourself through my eyes, you'd love yourself forever. you'd never doubt yourself again. you'd never feel inadequate, you'd never feel out of place. i don't wish you could see me through my eyes. you'd leave me instantly. you'd see what an amazing fool and stupid person i am. you'd never talk to me again. i'm so glad you can't see me through my eyes. but oh, if you saw yourself! it'd be wonderful! you would be so happy. all the time. and i want that for you. i want you to be happy. all the time. forever. and ever. even if it's without me. although i'd die inside if it was. I belong to you. i'm yours. totally and completely yours.

love,

yours.

this one i probably shouldn't post... but i'm going to anyway (:

dear liar,

you've changed. well i guess i have too, but you're now a liar. you tell me you still want to be friends, you tell me you want to make this work out. but you're a liar. you don't like me at all. you're still angry. or not, whatever. either you're still angry or you just hate me? whatever. i don't need you. but still. everytime you sign on i will try and talk to you. i'll check your profile. i'll click on anything with your name. and i don't know why. i have no idea why i'm still so attatched to you. you're not who you were. you're not MY (insert name here). and if you were, i don't know how i'd be able to get through this. you're not who you were. thank god for that. otherwise i'd still be swooning over you, watching your every move, hating her. i don't hate her though. even though you love her more than you loved me. i was your first love. no one can take that away from me. you can't ever forget me, because i was your first love. that's so terrible. i can't believe i'm happy about that. i hope you still hurt, even though you probably don't. i don't know why i want you to hurt, but i guess i'm malicious in that way. i could say "i never loved you" but you'd know that wasn't true. because i did. oh god did i love you. i don't anymore though. you're not mine. i don't want you. at all. i don't. even if i did it wouldn't matter. at all. you don't care. you don't. don't say you do. because that brings me back to the fact that you're a LIAR. and a fake. okay maybe not a fake. but you'll never read this so WHATEVER.

sincerely,

your first love.

hope.

useless. utterly useless. no one ever got something by hoping for it. nothing ever happened because somebody hoped it would. this may be pessimistic, but i've literally given up all hope. on everything. 

i don't hope anymore. i just don't. i know there are people with worse things happening to them, but honesty, go through what i have and tell me you still hope. 

i've hoped a lot. i've used up every single fucking shred of hope i have. i haven't abandoned hope because i'm a pessimist, it's because i have none left. once you've hoped for the things for the amount of time i have, you'll understand. 

i've hoped for my father, many, many times. i've hoped he'd get better. he didn't. for years. it was until like two years ago that he actually did what he said he would. and still, now i don't believe it. i don't trust it to last. i will always doubt him, i will always doubt that what he's done is real this time. fourteen years of hoping for him failed me. it was until i finally gave up hope that he would ever get better, that he actually did. PROOF: what you hope for doesn't happen. ever. 

i've hoped for myself. i've hoped i would stop. i've hoped i would be normal. i've hoped that i would be accepted. i've hoped that i wouldn't hurt myself. FAIL. 

i hate hope. i completley despise it. i am jealous of people who can hope. because that's something that would get you through the day. 

last night i had a dream that hudson left me, and i woke up hyperventillating and crying hysterically. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i was so scared. i just kept thinking of the thought of him shaking his head, and his hand leaving mine and that was enough to do it. i couldn't stop crying. or hyperventillating. i was legitimately frightened. then once i was in the mindset that he was going to leave me, i could picture nothing but his smile. nothing. and that was just... oh my god i started freaking out. and i didn't sleep the rest of the night/morning, because i was too scared. 

so then this morning i got up and texted him. it was the usual, hey, what's up, and then i was like: "please don't leave me." and i told him about the dream and about how freaked out i was. and then he said: "i can't ever see myself doing that. i'm so afraid you will." and then i realized... i couldn't promise him i wasn't going to. i refuse to ever promise anyone that ever again. because it's a lie. i'm afraid of myself when it comes to this. like, i love hudson. a lot. and i really enjoy being with him. and i don't WANT to leave him. but, eventually, i know i will. because that's just who i am. i mean, this week was three months, and that's usually my cut-off. *sigh* i just don't know. like, i honestly don't SEE a reason why i would leave him, and i'm not even sure i could find one. so if i did it, it would be without reason. which is even worse. i don't want to do it. ever. 

but that's what i think right NOW. who knows what i'll think a month, two months, three months in the future? will i want out? i can't see any reason why i ever would. but maybe, just maybe this time is different. but thinking that involves hope, something i deserted a long time ago when it comes to anything involving myself. but that's for another time. maybe later tonight, or tomorrow. maybe later tonight because i won't be able to post until late tomorrow. maybe in five-ten minutes. i don't know. but that's something i need to write about. 

anyway.

to add onto my last post...

-Chicago style deep-dish annotated bibliographies:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! hahahah oh t-boc... i don't understand what makes it "chicago style." is it deep-dished? totally. 

-quote from crispy:
"so i had some wooden shoes..." LOLWHAT?

-what what what?
i had issues stapling my lit analysis together. THATS. NOT. GOOD.

-ice pops

are possibly my favorite food. 

-i went to hannah's today..

and it was a great time. 

-the sims 3

i want it. i need it. i can't have it. ):

i like lists. they organize my thoughts quite nicely. (:

1. the old him. (bad connotation.)

he's completely DONE. completely. like in my mind, nothing ever happened between us. it's great. i don't think about him anymore, except occasionally, but it's never anything like it was before. i don't miss him, at all. like, i know i've said i'm done with him before, but i'ts never actually been to the point where i've said i don't miss him anymore. WHICH MAKES THIS TIME DIFFERENT. i swear. to the god that doesn't exist. this time. is different. i don't miss him at ALL. he's nothing to me. he's barely an aquaintence. if he doesn't want to talk to me, thas cool, thas cool. i just don't care anymore. it's so awesome. i've never felt better. which leads me into number two...

2. the new him. (good connotation.)

let me start off by saying :D :D :D :D :D C: C: C: "). hudson makes me so happy. seriously. i owe everything to him. with all of the old him stuff, i never could've gotten through it without the new him. He's everything i could've asked for, and so so much more. i know it's cliche, but i don't even fucking care. C: he's amazing and perfect in every way. i'm so fucking happy. he's just rediculous, and cares about me so much. and i can tell. he makes me feel safe. which is good. my ringtone for him holds the words "we are together, made for each other" and i told him this, he told me "i wish you could see how much you make me smile." and i was like DAWWWW HUDSONNNNN <33333333333

3. yesterday's blog. 

so it's worked out. i'm better. although there were some negative effects and impulsivity, it's better now and that's what matters. i'm glad we worked it out. THANK YOU FOR TALKING TO ME :D<3>

4. yesterday in english class...

grand woodworth sung a song called "the ballad of the dinosaurs." i almost married him. right there in english class. it was so amazing, i asked him for a copy. it was about dinosaurs fighting and then they all died. he used a guitar and sang it and it was amazing. i will love him forever for that. 

5. today in graphics...

jake dickerson, was wearing a hot dog costume. EL OH FUCKING EL. 

6. tomorrow..

will bring nothing. except bring me one day closer to the NINE INCH NAILS CONCERT WITH HUDSON IAN AN JON :D

7. you know what?

i like blogging. i think i might do it every day. or at least a couple times a week. because i know i have two best friends who will read it and that's cool. :D

8. on my dresser...

i have two dinosaurs. hudson gave me them. they are either fighting or hugging. hudson deosn't want to give me another because it might mess up whatevers going on between the two i have. but if they're fighting it could be a mediator! and i could make a triangle! which leads me to numbah nine...

9. dinosaurs, DO, in fact, come in triangles. 

10. new phone

so today i had to enter 146 contacts into my new phone. which is just as awful as my old one, but not lime green. FML. hahaha. XD

11. BFFLS<3

i'll make a post about my bffls later. but for right now i think this is enough. 

12. well..

okay i'll post more later. because i'm hyper right now :D icepop time !

yes, i'm going to bitch on my blog.

okay so. i haven't been on here in forever but i was reading hannah's blog today and i decided it might help...

okay so basically i don't know what i did wrong. 

i have no idea why you're so pissed off at me. 

okay that's a lie i have some idea. 

but if that's the reason why you're pissed, I'M going to be pissed because i thought we talked about it. and you have no reason to be pissed at me for that. 

i'm not here to bitch you out, i'm just trying to rant. 

but i understand why you're not talking to me about it. 

you're angry over something else. 

i get that. 

just don't act like we were never friends. 

seriously. 

it's pissing me off. a lot. 

eventually i'd LOVE to work this out. 

or, you know, you can go on being pissed at me and never talk to me about it. 

that's cool too. /:

woah geeze now i feel bad. 

i shouldn't rant like this...

i really shouldn't. 

especially not on my blog. 

what the fuck is wrong with me...

i'm sorry . 

for this and for whatever i did wrong. 

because i know i did something wrong. 

it's always my fault. /:

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCk IS WRONG WITH ME. 

sorry major mood swings. 

jesus christ. FUCK.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE:

Friday: Nine Inch Nails/Jane's addiction wiff Hudson, Ian and Jon (:

Saturday: Mall to buy THE SIMS 3! then STC, skylife, WTS show at fennarios. (:

Sunday: Mary-land with Paigeybaby, Hudson, and Ian (: (:

i almost feel like not posting this purely for the fact that i feel bad. 

because i'm fucked up enough to rant on my blog about someone i know will read it. 

sorry. i'm really really sorry. but it's all i had to write about. and i needed to get it out. 

it really makes me sad that you're not talking to me about this. 

we were really close, you were one of my best freinds...

and now we're throwing all of that away?

i guess that's cool.. 

/:

i just want you to know i miss our friendship. 

and i think it sucks MAJOR that this is happening. 

whatever i did wrong, i apologize. 

and i'll try and make it right. 

just tell me what i did. 

(whenever your ready to talk about it of course.)

LOVELOVELOVE.

this is better than life.

"well i mean if he doesn't want to be friends after all that then he's most likely not worth the time."

thank you joshua.

you're right.

Snow Day.

I'M SO FUCKING BORED.

So, I'm done with him. Completely. He's been deleted from my buddy list, and I blocked him from AIM. I'm blocking him on Facebook too. I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. I had a fight with him today, which ended pretty much like this:

Me: because we were so fucking close, i'm trying ot have a friendship with you. and you just keep pushing me away. if you don't want to be friends then just tell me dammit.
Him: I don't want to be your friend. Not now anyways.
Me: Okay. bye.

He also told me I was a hypoctire, and the last conversation we had that pissed me off was his way of proving this to me.

Me: If you don't want to do it, don't.
Him: Well you're not doing everything you want to do, so don't tell me to.
Me: whatever.
Him: Win.

Anyway. I'm done with him and his shit. I'm not talking to him anymore. He doesn't want to be my friend then I won't try. I don't know why I didn't do this before, there must've been some tiny sliver of me that thought that he actually cared about me. He obviously doesn't. If he did he'd show it, and not be such an ass to me. I don't ever want anything to do with him ever again. I refuse to let him ever cross my mind after this post. No more, no more. He's proven my point, that he doesn't give two shits whether I live or die. He said that it 'hurts his feelings' when I call him names. Lies. He just want's a reason to blame something on me. Whatever. Not worth my time.

Today?

Things have been really good lately. I'm a little stressed over school though, but it's not something I care too much about. I hung out with Joshua tonight, and we pretty much just sat there and hugged for three hours. He's warm. It's comforting. And lovely. I love him, I really do. I had crew today too, and everyone thought something was wrong. I was a tad bit annoyed, might have been the fucking cheerleaders... But anyway. I was just really focused, everyone thought something was wrong. Well there is something wrong, but I'd rather not discuss it. At all. It's something I'm trying to supress as much as possible, I do NOT want to remember it. Crew was good, last night I didn't get home until 12.30am. I went snowtubing with Steve :) it was a lot of fun, I had three energy drinks and a thing of Ice Cream (: We fell down a lot. But so I was really tired in addition to my annoyance, therefor, people thought something was wrong. My friends are so observant...

What am I?

I feel sad again. I don't know why. I'm just doubting myself, I guess. I don't feel like I'm worth anyone's time. I don't feel like they should be worrying about me, or even looking out for me. What am I to them? I don't know why people care about me. Why do they care? Why me? What did I do to deserve such AMAZING friends? Why do they love me like they do? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my friends more than anything. I really do. But I don't understand what they see in me. What good am I to them?
I'm insecure.
I'm insane.
I'm annoying.
I'm not focused.
I'm not dedicated.
I'm overly-emotional.
I'm underly-emotional.
I overreact.
I underreact.
I don't pay attention.
I'm not dedicated.
I don't care enough.
I care too much.
I'm unsure.
I doubt myself.
I'm not bright.
I rely too much on certain people.
I refuse to spill my guts out to people who can help me.
I spill my guts out to the wrong people.
I burden people with my problems.
I worry people.

I come with all of this and more...
Its a package deal. And all of these people choose to be friends with me. To be fair, a lot of them don't know a lot of this, they just see who I am on the surface, and I don't like faking, but it's necessary. I feel like im lying to everyone. I guess in a way, I am. I don't know.

Two Things.

Number One: Last Night

This I wrote last night, when I was crying myself to sleep, and I had a sudden realization, thanks to this lyric:

"WE COULD SIT AROUND AND CRY BUT, FRANKLY, YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT, ANYMORE."
-Mayday Parade.

-I've finally realized it's not much good fretting over him anymore. He's not worth my time. He's obviously moved on and is doing just fine without me. I guess-well I KNOW-I'm doing great, too. I have probably one of the sweetest most adorable guys ever. I'm doing quite well for someone like me. I've been stuck in teh past, holding on to hurtful memories... of him. HE didn't hur tme, but the relationship did. I'm so done crying over him, so finished thinking about him. Whatever it takes to forget him, I'm up for it. If I could, I'd erase those six months of my life. Because the memories hurt too much.
-He doesn't think about me like this, why should I be thinking about him at all? I am the one who had the control. I broke it off, I brought it back and had him in the palm of my hand. I guess I don't miss him, I miss having control of him.
-I have a great thing with Josh, and I refuse to ruin it. I love him, and would do almost anything for him. He'd do the same for me. I know it.

Number Two: New Semester

-Period One: Gym. Ugh. Hate.
-Period Two: Chem with Doc A. She's pretty cool, though it seems like there's going to be a lot of work in her class. She's kind of boring to listen to though, but all teachers are the first day.
-Period Three: ATP English with Kocur. Now he got me thinking:
--1. He said: "Good things happen to positive people."
--2. He said: "You are what you pretend to be, so be careful what you pretend to be, and how strong you pretend to be it."
--3. He asked us: "Do you consider yourself positive or negative?"
-I thought about it. And to number three I answered: "Both. I usually pretend to, or try to be positive around my friends and other people. But I'm very negative when I'm alone."
-I would like to try to be a positive person, and I pretend to be that all the time, so I guess eventaully it'll wear off onto my negative self, and I'll stop being so upset all the time. It's usually just at night.

-Period Four: Graphic Communications with Drav; oh my god he bored me to death. I'm not excited for 7 weeks of lectures either... BUT it's my only class with Josh, which is exciting :).

Thought Provokers.

"I love you because you're more of a trainwreck than me. You're a hott mess."
So I'm more of a mess than I realized. I'm pretty much just one giant disaster not even waiting to happen. I don't really think that I've hidden it that well anymore, because Abby told me last night I was not only a trainwreck, but a hott mess. Which I'm not doubting, or arguing with, and am also not offeneded. Because 'tis true, 'tis true. So either I'm coming off as more of a mess than I'd planned, or she just knows me really well. There are a lot of people like that, who know me really well, who know that I'm a mess. Like Josh, he knows. And a lot of my exes also.. *DIGRESSION*... But still I don't want to be a mess. Not only emotionally, but I have no coordination also. That's usually what people see me as being a mess, but I try to hide the rest. It doesn't always work so well, especially with my best friends. I hate that they worry about me. I know they do. Not all of them necesarily, but I know of some who do. I don't want to be worried about, I don't want people to think I'm not okay. Which, we all know I'm not, but I like to pretend to be. Lmao.
"You're like, the happiest person I know."
First off. HA. Second off, what the hell is this person thinking if I'M the happiest person they know? What kind of people do they know?! I don't understand why this person told me this. I was like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Honestly. I'm farther from happy than a lot of people. Well at least I was. And kind of still am. I'm a lot happier these days, though.

20 January 2009

So I got bored and decided to make a blog. Not that I think anyone will read it, or anyone will care, but it's nice to straighten out my thoughts... once in a while. I got the idea from Abby, she was checking the blogs when I slept over her house. But anyway. I'm really excited about the inauguration of Obama. I saw a guy with an "ARREST BUSH" sign in the background. Totally made my day. Wish I could've gone to Jeff's Inauguration Party, but I did so much this weekend I'm really not worried about it. ANYWAY. I don't really know what else to write, and I doubt I'll keep up with this for more than two weeks. Lmao. (: I'm so dedicated. :P
OH.
Watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrrvkPo7TZ4&eurl=http://failblog.org/&feature=player_embedded
HILARIOUS.