the picture that made me cry.

it was us. him and me.

it was him. the look on his face was hilarious. he looked happy. he had donuts. that made me laugh. he had his old hair. he looked like he was MINE. he looked like he used to. he was looking at me. as if frozen in time. as if to say "come back."

it was me. i looked, oh god, i looked like i would do anything for him at that very moment. i looked so happy. my eyes were closed. i was hugging him. i was so fucking happy. i was frozen in time. and i looked like i wanted to stay there forever.

and then.

"Btw, this is a really cute picture of you guys, even if those days are over."

Those days ARE over. forever. and i'll never get them back. ever. i miss them. but i don't, you know? it's hard to explain. i guess i can't really lie to myself anymore, i still have feelings for him. but it's the old him i like. not this new person he is. he looks different, he acts different, he's not mine anymore. that's a good thing, i guess.

i could put the picture on here.

but you guys are smart.

look on facebook.

it'll be easy to find.

things i wish i could say to people.

Dear lovely,

you're amazing. and perfect. in every way. you're such a great person. i love everythign about you. you make me feel amazing. you make me feel like i'm normal, like i'm not crazy, or insane, or self-destructive. you make me think something good about myself, sometimes. you'll never convince me of anything good about myself, though. keep trying though! i love it! you make me feel.. oh i don't even know how to describe it. i love you more than i've ever loved anyone else. you're absolutely perfect for me. we fit so well. we just do. and i'm sorry for hurting you. i don't ever want you to hurt. i want you to feel amazing all the time. i want you to see yourself through my eyes, you'd love yourself forever. you'd never doubt yourself again. you'd never feel inadequate, you'd never feel out of place. i don't wish you could see me through my eyes. you'd leave me instantly. you'd see what an amazing fool and stupid person i am. you'd never talk to me again. i'm so glad you can't see me through my eyes. but oh, if you saw yourself! it'd be wonderful! you would be so happy. all the time. and i want that for you. i want you to be happy. all the time. forever. and ever. even if it's without me. although i'd die inside if it was. I belong to you. i'm yours. totally and completely yours.

love,

yours.

this one i probably shouldn't post... but i'm going to anyway (:

dear liar,

you've changed. well i guess i have too, but you're now a liar. you tell me you still want to be friends, you tell me you want to make this work out. but you're a liar. you don't like me at all. you're still angry. or not, whatever. either you're still angry or you just hate me? whatever. i don't need you. but still. everytime you sign on i will try and talk to you. i'll check your profile. i'll click on anything with your name. and i don't know why. i have no idea why i'm still so attatched to you. you're not who you were. you're not MY (insert name here). and if you were, i don't know how i'd be able to get through this. you're not who you were. thank god for that. otherwise i'd still be swooning over you, watching your every move, hating her. i don't hate her though. even though you love her more than you loved me. i was your first love. no one can take that away from me. you can't ever forget me, because i was your first love. that's so terrible. i can't believe i'm happy about that. i hope you still hurt, even though you probably don't. i don't know why i want you to hurt, but i guess i'm malicious in that way. i could say "i never loved you" but you'd know that wasn't true. because i did. oh god did i love you. i don't anymore though. you're not mine. i don't want you. at all. i don't. even if i did it wouldn't matter. at all. you don't care. you don't. don't say you do. because that brings me back to the fact that you're a LIAR. and a fake. okay maybe not a fake. but you'll never read this so WHATEVER.

sincerely,

your first love.

hope.

useless. utterly useless. no one ever got something by hoping for it. nothing ever happened because somebody hoped it would. this may be pessimistic, but i've literally given up all hope. on everything. 

i don't hope anymore. i just don't. i know there are people with worse things happening to them, but honesty, go through what i have and tell me you still hope. 

i've hoped a lot. i've used up every single fucking shred of hope i have. i haven't abandoned hope because i'm a pessimist, it's because i have none left. once you've hoped for the things for the amount of time i have, you'll understand. 

i've hoped for my father, many, many times. i've hoped he'd get better. he didn't. for years. it was until like two years ago that he actually did what he said he would. and still, now i don't believe it. i don't trust it to last. i will always doubt him, i will always doubt that what he's done is real this time. fourteen years of hoping for him failed me. it was until i finally gave up hope that he would ever get better, that he actually did. PROOF: what you hope for doesn't happen. ever. 

i've hoped for myself. i've hoped i would stop. i've hoped i would be normal. i've hoped that i would be accepted. i've hoped that i wouldn't hurt myself. FAIL. 

i hate hope. i completley despise it. i am jealous of people who can hope. because that's something that would get you through the day. 

last night i had a dream that hudson left me, and i woke up hyperventillating and crying hysterically. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i was so scared. i just kept thinking of the thought of him shaking his head, and his hand leaving mine and that was enough to do it. i couldn't stop crying. or hyperventillating. i was legitimately frightened. then once i was in the mindset that he was going to leave me, i could picture nothing but his smile. nothing. and that was just... oh my god i started freaking out. and i didn't sleep the rest of the night/morning, because i was too scared. 

so then this morning i got up and texted him. it was the usual, hey, what's up, and then i was like: "please don't leave me." and i told him about the dream and about how freaked out i was. and then he said: "i can't ever see myself doing that. i'm so afraid you will." and then i realized... i couldn't promise him i wasn't going to. i refuse to ever promise anyone that ever again. because it's a lie. i'm afraid of myself when it comes to this. like, i love hudson. a lot. and i really enjoy being with him. and i don't WANT to leave him. but, eventually, i know i will. because that's just who i am. i mean, this week was three months, and that's usually my cut-off. *sigh* i just don't know. like, i honestly don't SEE a reason why i would leave him, and i'm not even sure i could find one. so if i did it, it would be without reason. which is even worse. i don't want to do it. ever. 

but that's what i think right NOW. who knows what i'll think a month, two months, three months in the future? will i want out? i can't see any reason why i ever would. but maybe, just maybe this time is different. but thinking that involves hope, something i deserted a long time ago when it comes to anything involving myself. but that's for another time. maybe later tonight, or tomorrow. maybe later tonight because i won't be able to post until late tomorrow. maybe in five-ten minutes. i don't know. but that's something i need to write about. 

anyway.

to add onto my last post...

-Chicago style deep-dish annotated bibliographies:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! hahahah oh t-boc... i don't understand what makes it "chicago style." is it deep-dished? totally. 

-quote from crispy:
"so i had some wooden shoes..." LOLWHAT?

-what what what?
i had issues stapling my lit analysis together. THATS. NOT. GOOD.

-ice pops

are possibly my favorite food. 

-i went to hannah's today..

and it was a great time. 

-the sims 3

i want it. i need it. i can't have it. ):

i like lists. they organize my thoughts quite nicely. (:

1. the old him. (bad connotation.)

he's completely DONE. completely. like in my mind, nothing ever happened between us. it's great. i don't think about him anymore, except occasionally, but it's never anything like it was before. i don't miss him, at all. like, i know i've said i'm done with him before, but i'ts never actually been to the point where i've said i don't miss him anymore. WHICH MAKES THIS TIME DIFFERENT. i swear. to the god that doesn't exist. this time. is different. i don't miss him at ALL. he's nothing to me. he's barely an aquaintence. if he doesn't want to talk to me, thas cool, thas cool. i just don't care anymore. it's so awesome. i've never felt better. which leads me into number two...

2. the new him. (good connotation.)

let me start off by saying :D :D :D :D :D C: C: C: "). hudson makes me so happy. seriously. i owe everything to him. with all of the old him stuff, i never could've gotten through it without the new him. He's everything i could've asked for, and so so much more. i know it's cliche, but i don't even fucking care. C: he's amazing and perfect in every way. i'm so fucking happy. he's just rediculous, and cares about me so much. and i can tell. he makes me feel safe. which is good. my ringtone for him holds the words "we are together, made for each other" and i told him this, he told me "i wish you could see how much you make me smile." and i was like DAWWWW HUDSONNNNN <33333333333

3. yesterday's blog. 

so it's worked out. i'm better. although there were some negative effects and impulsivity, it's better now and that's what matters. i'm glad we worked it out. THANK YOU FOR TALKING TO ME :D<3>

4. yesterday in english class...

grand woodworth sung a song called "the ballad of the dinosaurs." i almost married him. right there in english class. it was so amazing, i asked him for a copy. it was about dinosaurs fighting and then they all died. he used a guitar and sang it and it was amazing. i will love him forever for that. 

5. today in graphics...

jake dickerson, was wearing a hot dog costume. EL OH FUCKING EL. 

6. tomorrow..

will bring nothing. except bring me one day closer to the NINE INCH NAILS CONCERT WITH HUDSON IAN AN JON :D

7. you know what?

i like blogging. i think i might do it every day. or at least a couple times a week. because i know i have two best friends who will read it and that's cool. :D

8. on my dresser...

i have two dinosaurs. hudson gave me them. they are either fighting or hugging. hudson deosn't want to give me another because it might mess up whatevers going on between the two i have. but if they're fighting it could be a mediator! and i could make a triangle! which leads me to numbah nine...

9. dinosaurs, DO, in fact, come in triangles. 

10. new phone

so today i had to enter 146 contacts into my new phone. which is just as awful as my old one, but not lime green. FML. hahaha. XD

11. BFFLS<3

i'll make a post about my bffls later. but for right now i think this is enough. 

12. well..

okay i'll post more later. because i'm hyper right now :D icepop time !

yes, i'm going to bitch on my blog.

okay so. i haven't been on here in forever but i was reading hannah's blog today and i decided it might help...

okay so basically i don't know what i did wrong. 

i have no idea why you're so pissed off at me. 

okay that's a lie i have some idea. 

but if that's the reason why you're pissed, I'M going to be pissed because i thought we talked about it. and you have no reason to be pissed at me for that. 

i'm not here to bitch you out, i'm just trying to rant. 

but i understand why you're not talking to me about it. 

you're angry over something else. 

i get that. 

just don't act like we were never friends. 

seriously. 

it's pissing me off. a lot. 

eventually i'd LOVE to work this out. 

or, you know, you can go on being pissed at me and never talk to me about it. 

that's cool too. /:

woah geeze now i feel bad. 

i shouldn't rant like this...

i really shouldn't. 

especially not on my blog. 

what the fuck is wrong with me...

i'm sorry . 

for this and for whatever i did wrong. 

because i know i did something wrong. 

it's always my fault. /:

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCk IS WRONG WITH ME. 

sorry major mood swings. 

jesus christ. FUCK.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE:

Friday: Nine Inch Nails/Jane's addiction wiff Hudson, Ian and Jon (:

Saturday: Mall to buy THE SIMS 3! then STC, skylife, WTS show at fennarios. (:

Sunday: Mary-land with Paigeybaby, Hudson, and Ian (: (:

i almost feel like not posting this purely for the fact that i feel bad. 

because i'm fucked up enough to rant on my blog about someone i know will read it. 

sorry. i'm really really sorry. but it's all i had to write about. and i needed to get it out. 

it really makes me sad that you're not talking to me about this. 

we were really close, you were one of my best freinds...

and now we're throwing all of that away?

i guess that's cool.. 

/:

i just want you to know i miss our friendship. 

and i think it sucks MAJOR that this is happening. 

whatever i did wrong, i apologize. 

and i'll try and make it right. 

just tell me what i did. 

(whenever your ready to talk about it of course.)